Famously, today is the sexiest day of the year – but beyond the lukewarm cava and scentless roses, it is important to keep in mind what we’re really celebrating: motivational torture! For there is surely no sight on this earth more glorious than a pouting twink being tied to a post and filled with long, pointy objects as an example for his team mates. Except perhaps a passionate young man being stripped and roasted, whilst inviting people to eat him. Or a beautiful young woman lying in a bath all day while a moody civil servant tries to get her hot. Or two brothers giggling whilst being whipped. Or a tempestuous young king being impaled with phallic objects held by glowering lumbersexuals.
I’m sexy and I know it.
All this and more can be found in the Legenda Aurea. True, Jacobus de Voragine mightn’t have envisioned sexual gratification as the primary function of his martyrology, but heaven knows anything goes. And if the brothel adventures of Saints Chrysanthus and Daria fail to get you hot under the collar, you might try actual self-flagellation.
noon auctoritee 